A diary of a Liverpool joint-boss

By "The Sunday Times"

Saturday, October 31:

This jobshare business just isn't working. Went into the referee's room with our team sheet but he wasn't there, so I left it on the bench for him. Five minutes later I saw the Frenchman sneaking out of there with a bottle of Tipp-Ex. He'd been changing my team again. It's an absolute disgrace. Had to tell Robbie Fowler he wasn't playing after all.

Sunday, November 1:

The Frenchman wanted a clear-the-air meeting after yesterday's defeat by Leicester. I said so did I. He said he said it first. Then he suggested we have dinner to thrash out our differences. He wanted a French restaurant. I pointed out triumphantly that we don't have any poncy French places in Liverpool. Decided not to bother.

Monday, November 2:

Big row at the airport before our flight to Spain when the Frenchman discovered I was sitting next to the chairman. It was decided that we should sit on either side of him, but I claimed victory because I got the window seat. Later we argued about what makes a great Liverpool player. Ray Kennedy, I said. Tommy Smith. Ian Rush. Cut them open and they've got red blood. He looked at me blankly. Then I hit him with the old Shankly line about football and life and death. He hurried away muttering something about existentialism. Later I looked this word up in the dictionary, but it doesn't exist. So much for the cultured Frenchman.

Tuesday, November 3:

Major incident during the match against Valencia. In stoppage time I told him I was pulling off Fowler. He started laughing at me. "Imbecile!" he said, "I took him off five minutes ago. He's behind you!" I did what any self-respecting Scouser would do: I nutted him. Just then, Macca and Incey were sent off for fighting. Told the press boys their lack of discipline had let this great club down.

Thursday, November 5:

One of the lads asked for permission to miss training. "If you miss it, I'll fine you a week's wages," I said sternly. He pulled out his cheque book, wrote out a cheque and said he'd see me on Friday. Seems the modelling assignment he's been offered is worth £20,000, twice his weekly wage. It wasn't like this in Shanks's day.